Beginners Guide to Trail Nirvana

The following is a non-sanctioned document, containing closely guarded secrets from planet nimby. They are phenomenally hypocritical, selfish, self serving, elitist and non ‘brotherly’ like. They are not even the opinions of the author, this information was in fact channeled from the long deceased spirit of the Fakarwee Indians. They practiced these traits so well that they would often fall prey to their own methods – and end up on some winswept bluff – proclaiming: "Where the fuck are we?" Take them as you will, but employ them, and the woods will be a quieter, less crowded, more peaceful place.

1. Obfuscation – Intro to trail confusion. "Find trail, he can not – same trail may not he ruin". Everything from placement to sun angles is critical in this phase. We are assuming that there is an opening, or beginning. What if – as a famous singlespeeder once said: There is no beginning and no end – just a middle" Consider it the Oreo principle. Entrances are bad – so don’t use one. Carry in – at least 40 – 60 feet. Your average Gumby isn’t going to look for that long. If there is an opening – move it in to the middle of a technical downhill – ideally turning back uphill – so that it’s blind as you descend (Note to self – this is not encouraging creating a new trail – simply re-routing to reduce use). Put it in a high velocity section of the trail so that folks are maching through that section – not looking. As the invisible man once said before he went to jail with the X-ray man – "You can’t ride what you can’t see"

2. Conjunction no junction. So, they found the trail – it ain’t over until it’s over. And it’s over – right up there at the next turn. Make the trail impossible to connect – make the trail fade slowly into a random patched of ill defined vagueness. Nothing like ripping along a great new one track – and then suddenly – it ends. Concoct some ridiculous carry, include streams, rocks, dead animals, fecal material – anything to discourage passage. If it doesn’t connect to anything – they will turn around and head back to their over priced SUV – declaring the trail a bust, sharing this with all their friends, and thereby polluting the mall – rather than the home of small furry creatures.

3. It’s all the same. Imagine if you were not very familiar with an area – but you knew the stash was there – and it was called – for lack of a better term ‘the yellow tape’ trail. What if this were a major connector for a group of trails. People seek this ‘yellow tape’ trail out – and when they find it they know that they have found love. What if all the trails started turning into ‘yellow tapes’. After a year or so – they would all be safe – because the fred’s who use things like that to identify trails won’t be able to put it all together – and they’ll be talking about the same trail – only it will be all trails. Imagine the confustion – it makes me giddy.

4. The name game. Change the names of trails – even as you refer to them in casual conversation – at least once a year. That way – they never get handed down correctly from generation to generation, year to year, fred to fred. To those who don’t really know the subtleties of the trails – this will be mind boggling! "Well, I thought that was ‘root canal’, and now it’s ‘the battery’. Wait – I was just starting to get this figured out.

5. Faux closure option. Proven successful this year in the republic – just start casually referring to a trail as closed. Talk about the new ‘No Trespassing ‘ signs, the cable, the drooling rednecks with billy bob teeth and loose zippers. After a while, this rumor will get around, and folks will stop heading to that particular trail. It might just save the trail from being closed.

6. The Beach. If you haven’t seen it – even if you hate Leo – go see it – there are valuable lessons hidden in it’s Hollywooded island life. Watch what happens when Leo makes a map. Everything leading up to that point is quality stoner travel love. After he makes the map – well – I won’t ruin it – but bad shit starts to happen. People lose limbs, he loses the French babe. Don’t do it. Not that freds can read maps – but they are deadly – and can serve no good if they fall into the wrong hands.

Good luck weedhopper. Go forth, and do not multiply. Ride silently, and with your mouth shut.